Yaar....Copper.....(please don't hit me)

Well since I have a couple months to make up for in terms of response I will do my best to cover everything that was covered.

I was happy that you had a job but i knew that as far as THE job that you had I didn't think that you would exactly enjoy it.  I mean don't get me wrong like I said I was happy that you had a job but sales where you have to be fake and push people to buy things that they dont' necessarily need, was never your style.  It's a job where you have to be ok with that, and I know a couple people and have met a couple people where that sales 'style' becomes part of their personalities as well. I would never want you to come off as fake.

Lets see...that covers jobs....

Yeah I always liked Ryan, shame he doesn't really like me.  To be fair when we lived together me and him and you and I, I wasn't mature yet.  To be honest I had this air of I expected everyone to do this for me because I was spoiled and if it came down to it I could have my parents or someone else help/bail me out.  When I was living in the apartment I had dawson who I knew didn't really care as far as how things looked so that didnt really help and then it was living with you and Ryan.  I know that I've grown up quite a bit since then however, don't get me wrong I still relapse. I just hope its only for a couple hours maybe 48 at most that I let dishes sit now.  I won't say that I'm OCD but I can appreciate and respect coming home to a clean house. And as much as it seems like common sense to do something when it's small so that the mess doesn't get big...i sometimes struggle to remember that. 

Old me/Living situations/Apology for being not clean ^^

Me going forward.  I don't really like talking about Joe and him getting a house to be honest cause again it forces me this time to grow up. And I'm not saying this to put pressure on you to move at all, I am mostly saying/typing this for myself to read as I type it maybe reinforce something with myself.  If Joe does get his own place it could potentially give me two options.  I could either A) live with Stacy and Sean and dennis in their house and continue living with people I dont necessarily dislike but not people that I would voluntarily choose to live with (Sean is fine and so are all of them for that matter, just too much like college for me in terms of amounts of partying)  or B) I could live by myself. I hate living by myself. I've never been good at it, and to be honest it makes me pretty down cause it's like I don't really have anyone to talk to. I appreciate the alone time and I appreciate being lost in my thoughts but for the majority of the time, I like having someone around to share meals with and just talk and bullshit. This is kind of what I mean in regards to moving forward with my life. To be fair I know at some point it's going to have to happen but I dont know that i'm ready to live by myself.

^near future.

You... Complete me, you had me at hello...
No but in all seriousness the fears that we talked about I share as well, letting people down is never good or never feels good for that matter. In all honesty though we have to try because if we don't try we end up disastified with where we are in our lives. And like me I know that the worst part is that we have no one to blame but ourselves. I recently came to the discovery that I allow my friends and family and people that I don't want to let down be the reasons that i don't strive for new opportunities. But I use them as excuses so that I don't have to go for the things that should be bettering me and making me a better person.  On the flip side of that coin in terms of who to blame....well..I blame myself, and there's nothing more sobering than realizing at the end of the day when someone else is doing something or being someone you wanted to be because you weren't man enough to do it.
You have the ability to be something that you want to be.  

Maybe you won't be something great because maybe it's not what you strive for...let me explain cause I dont want to come off as an ass.  I'm not looking for greatness in my life, I'm looking for something simple but all in all i'm looking to be happy. I don't need to make millions of dollars I just want to have someone that cares about me, a family, my family, and friends.  For me that's simple and nothing extravagant. Maybe thats what you are looking for.  If life brings you back to appleton, I know that I was a hermit messy and probably a bit of a pain in the ass before I would definitely make sure that we were going out and using one another to push towards the future because you are someone I want in my future and heck it's been almost if not 10 years. That's a third of my life.  Regardless of what does happen though I know that you and I will always be good (unless I move outside of 500 miles).

^^You

Well I know that you're probably thinking at this point that I'm missing something/someone.  I am actually going to omit those thoughts for now because a paragraph or two isn't going to truly explain how I feel and also maybe because I'm not 100% sure how I feel about everything yet myself too.  But I will be checking this much more frequent and writing as well, so I will put a post about her in the near future (next couple weeks)

Saving the best for last, or at least the most impactful. ^^^

Life after T-Mobile

Well fuck buddy,
err...I mean "Well Fuck, Buddy"  changes the whole opener when I use the right punctuation.  I enjoy the holidays while working at t-mobile.  I really enjoyed the new challenge the job brought with it.  I have had plenty of customer service jobs prior to this job, but not a real sales position.  The mentality proved to be too much for me to grasp in the time that I was given.  I was not asked to stay permanently in a part time position.  I was informed a week prior to my last day.  I was also informed midway through my shift of the decision.  It was fucking hard to deal with the rejection that day specifically and also the rest of the week.  I was determined despite bad attitude at moments to succeed and finish my time their on a bright note...although I was bitching far more often than I would like to admit. 
     With the loss of the job, That means I am now unable to pay Ryan for rent.  I know their were times where it was difficult living with him since it was only a one bedroom apartment with the two of us sharing it, I know he is going to miss me.  Also, he's having a rough time with his boss at his full time job, so I was the shoulder to cry on....aka...to vent.  I will miss living with him since he truly is a stand up guy.  Moving off the topic of Ryan and the apartment,  I have finally after 29 years of life will have put together a resume.  Not just one I did in high school because my English teacher wanted us to learn how to do it...but to actually use it.  I obviously dragged my feet while doing it and took a total of 3 days with a break of a day in between to complete a rough draft.  I've sent it to family to have them look it over, but haven't pushed them to look at it.  So, here I wait still waiting...anyway...I want to move past that.
     I decided to come visit my buddy Zach in Appleton....a place I formerly lived in.  Although, I'm never pumped for the drive, I was ready to have a "vacation" after getting canned.  After a few days, I was able to met via Internets, the love of his life....lol...I'm exaggerating a bit atm...but who knows...am i right?  My first initial thought was a pass.  Reason being, 1.  It's hard for me to open up right away so there are normally many awkward silences.  2.  Add the 1st reason and the internet and it adds more difficulty. 
     After having a 2nd encounter/skype session....it's clear to me that she's doing her best to "butter" me up.  The rational behind my thinking was during the conversation between the four of us, Mariel's daughter also joined us, Zach and I tried our darnedest to succeed at Tagalog.  Mariel pointed out any and all mistakes by Zach, while complimenting my feeble attempts at the language.  Although very nice, I could only think that she was being nice...and it worked.
     The last thing I would like to say is that I'm truly enjoying my time here in Appleton.  Rarely have I took the time to enjoy myself during the moment.  I've enjoyed many moments, but most of the time the real appreciation came upon reflection.  Even though I don't know what is my next move, I am able to say at this time...that I'm excited for whatever it is.  I mean, this could change if that next move is flippin burgers...but again....that uncertainty isn't a burden. 

I would totally name my cat "Poops"

No one who wants to find a soulmate, really wants to be single.  Sure, there are moments in our lives where you might benefit from being single, but the situation still stands that you want to love someone as they love you.  That's a tough code to crack buddy.  I mean, I want to still think there is someone out there for me that won't make me vomit being with them.  Yes, I'm being overly dramatic. For myself, that means going out of my comfort zone to meet new people, especially ladies.  At this juncture, the only new people I meet come through the t-mobile doors and trust me, that's not the best place to pick up the ladies.....although there are always a handful of nice looking ladies that walk through the door.  I know this, yet can't find myself going out.  I can't stand the bar scene although beer googles could help break down some of my barriers.  I could go into religion and try to find a lady that way, but I don't like getting up early on Sundays.  I mean, I'm accepting the fact that I am going to end up single the rest of my life.  I mean, I'm saying to myself, being a cat lady isn't that bad is it?  lol....I don't think I'd end up that bad, but it begs the question, Could I end up that way if I don't change.  I mean, I still feel like I have family with my family....but I don't have "MY FAMILY."  And I don't see that happening until I really make a change.  I just don't know if I have it in me.  And that scares me, and truthfully brings me down.  It makes my situation right now worse.  And that puts me in the same feeling that I'm in a rut.  When things don't change, or I don't allow myself to be open to new possibilities....That's my rut. 
     As far as my job is concerned, I have good days and dull days.  I find that my day is much more enjoyable when the store is busy and I'm interacting with customers.  I like a lot of the people that I work with, but when there is too much down time, you can only bs so long before you start getting antsy.  And being that it is a commission job, I'm losing out at opportunities to make extra cash.  Although, the money thing isn't as big at this time since I'm still trying to learn the ropes.  That challenge is alright.  But I'm not certain if I'll be able to sustain this job for that long.  I mean, there is a chance that I won't be offered a position after the holiday's are over, but my feeling is better than good that I will get a spot as long as I perform.  I'm just not certain if I really want to push myself.  I mean, you kinda have to be a little pushy to get some people to agree to a sale.  I wish sales were easier...lol  Or that I win the lottery.  That could also work.
     I moved in with Ryan a few weeks ago.  I'm not certain how much I'm liking it.  It's difficult because it's a one bedroom apartment so I'm sleeping on the floor in the bedroom.  I mean, I knew that going into it.  It's currently only temporary being that I'm only seasonal, but if that were to change, I can't do this arrangement much longer.  The place that we are staying at isn't great.  I've been waiting for approval to get onto the lease so I can get keys for weeks now.  The person that I've been dealing with has just been blowing smoke up my ass.  I finally talked with the lady who is working on my acceptance to find up my holdups.  T-mobile makes them call a specific phone number to verify employment, and this lady refused because it costs money.  Really?, I had to pay 15.00 for processing.  Shouldn't that money cover that?  What a bitch.  She actually used the phrase, "if there was anything I could do to help, I would"  I was thinking, how about you call that fucking number bitch.  I finally got a couple of pay stubs which was a hassle since I'm doing direct deposit and required me to access my pay stubs online and print them off.  The thing is, I had to request access to my pay stubs, and that took a call to our hr department.  So, it wasn't easy.  She said that was my only hold up.  That wasn't the truth, I found that out today.  I need to get verification from previous landlords.  So I need to get the number to the place we lived at and the place I lived at in Woodbury.  God, what fucks.  I'm already sick of dealing with these mother fuckers up in this joint.  Plus, on top of all of this, the place is a shit hole.  I mean, I've seen much worst before, but the place just feels cheap and messy.  Also, to make this situation a bit more humorous, the apartment we are in is the handicap accessible room.  Just thought I'd share that.  Anyway, I just typed what was on the top of my head.  I hope this brings forth some inspiration on your end and you write me a nice sonnet....or something gay like that.

Ruts

I think thats the hardest thing about life though, being stuck in a rut.  I mean I agree I dont like change either but feeling like you're stuck in a rut isn't easy.  So I mean I get out there I meet people and stuff like that, and its not that I dont like them, its just that maybe I dont fit in?  I dont know if that really makes sense to you.  Not to go back and bring up the past but I haven't found my other half you know? That person that seems to just make everything make sense.  As much as I love Ashley you were right I knew that it wouldnt' work out.  I know that ive only been single for like 5 months. But man it's rough specially when you might someone cause you dont want to get your hopes up.  Then you find out that you were right you shouldn't have cause it ends up not working out.

Work is the same everyday.  Life is the same everyday.  Have to start looking at places coming up cause i know that Joe wants to live by himself this coming year. And you know me i'm not so good at being alone.  I mean I dont know man, its not even about Manila anymore, its just about being happy with who i am, where i am.  I dont know if you understand that but I have a sneaking suspicision you might. I just, i just want to be content for once. Feel like I have direction

Reality Check

     When you came back from Manila, you were riding the high.  I mean, how great was it, it was so good you had no time to blog and only had time to live it up.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  In fact, I applaud you for being able to find something so rare.  I understand that it's not an easy decision to pack of and leave, bc when you went orignally, it was only a vacation with the thoughts of returning after Convergy's used you as a whore.  But in reality, you found something special there.  Not many people can say that.  You have little keeping you here.  I mean, You have family and some friends.  But, distance is superficial considering how easy it is to converse and chat with others on the information super highway.  I ultimately want you to be happy.  I honestly believe that you are in a rut being in Appleton with little changes.  Frankly, that bored the shit out of me.  I loved living with you, but that was about it.  Nothing really changed there.  And that's also an issue that I am trying to conquer.  I don't like a lot of change, but doing the same shit over and over gets lame.  Camp was my special gem.  I mean, I don't need to go into details how great it is.  I just compare Manila to camp and I think, You have to go for it buddy.  You'll have your opportunities to talk with family and friends via facebook, email, and skype.  Truthfully, of those people, who do you really want to see on a day to day basis.  Probably not many.  So, truly, should it be really that difficult to leave. 
     The counter argument would be a few things.  If you were to move to Manila, would to fantasy eventually become only a reality.  Also, would you be moving into the same position you are currently at when you head over to Manila, or would there be a chance at a promotion or worse/demotion.  If things truly go sour, would you be able to just up and leave?  Or would you have to commit to a long term deal if you go over there.  For example, a 2-5 year contract.  If you end up getting paid less then what you currently are, (I understand things are cheaper there), but would you be able to come back to the states if things were to get bad.  Aka, would you beg your parents for a plane ticket back?  Also, it's a third world country, how slow are there internet speeds?  Could you live with dial up?  Come on, Really?
     The last thing, since this is weighing on your mind?  What's holding you back?  Why not take the plunge?  Let's discuss this.
    
    

It was hard IKR

Yeah i know it wasn't hard, I just never got around to it, kept getting pushed down my list of priorities. But now that it is made I can update it at work :)

So I have a lot to think quickly about Manila as it seems that there might be positions opening sooner than I had thought.  Part of me definitely wants to take it but its still scary you know picking up your life and moving everything.  So yeah lots of thinking to do.  I also took tomorrow (friday off) if you want to level together.

Getting it started

OMG, this was sooooo hard to start.  I can't believe I didn't do this earlier.  (sarcasm)